He Planned The PERFECT Crime To Get Rid Of His Wife AND His Debt. The Newspapers Couldn’t Help Themselves.

Life can get tough. Debt piles up, relationships crumble under pressure, and sometimes it feels like life might actually have a physical foot to kick us with when we’re down on our luck. When that pressure builds and builds and builds, it can feel like we’re choking on our responsibilities. Bills, deadlines, interviews, and the never-ending cycle of things we have to do to survive can be debilitating. 

This husband found that he just couldn’t take it anymore. He decided to do something…drastic. Yikes.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of “Artie.”

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day the newspaper headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…)
“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!”

I scoffed out loud when I read the punchline of this joke. I didn’t expect it for a second. I thought I was about to read about the husband’s attempts to cover the murders up…not THIS! Ha. I fell for it…did you?! Hilarious! Remember kids, don’t try to have someone murdered just because life gets hard!


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